Getting Married... Again

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By Rabbi Victor S. Appell

Gay and lesbian couples love to get married. Again and again. Rather than marrying other people each time, we tend to marry the same people again and again. As some same-sex couples have moved from one location to another, they have registered as domestic partners in each of the cities that offered this. They have traveled to states that offered civil unions. They have journeyed to Canada to get married. And as various states in the United States have adopted marriage equality, gay and lesbian couples have trekked around the country in order to get married in these states.

Up until recently, while most of these marriages had plenty of symbolic value, they offered little real value. They conferred a few rights, but none of the major rights and benefits that accompany marriage. And those few rights were limited. A marriage in Canada had no standing in the United States. While a couple could be married in Massachusetts, they were not recognized in Pennsylvania.

My partner, Colin, and I are typical of such couples. In 1998, as students living in New York City, we registered as domestic partners when that became available. Along with another couple, we went to City Hall, filled out the paperwork, received our certificates, and went to lunch at a nearby restaurant.

A year later, we had our wedding on January 23, 1999. Officiated by a rabbi and a cantor, and taking place in a Reform temple, we considered ourselves to be married and this became our anniversary. Though it had no legal standing, it was the Jewish wedding we wanted.

When we lived in Evanston, IL, domestic partnerships had not yet been instituted. However, we like to say that we have been domesticated and civilized by the state of New Jersey. Shortly after moving to New Jersey, the state adopted domestic partnerships in 2004, and Colin and I registered as such. It offered a few benefits, including hospital visitations and the right to make legal decisions if one partner was incapacitated. Fortunately, we never had to avail ourselves of these benefits. Sadly, many hospitals in New Jersey did not follow the new law and a number of couples were not permitted to see each other when one was in the hospital.

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